Aunt Cake.

I have been bedside with my sister all three times she has given birth ; All 3 times I cried.

The first cry happening 8 years ago with Noelle.

As soon as she was placed in my arms the tears began to flow.

I was embarrassed.

So I whipped the tears away and refused to admit to even one single tear.

With her next two children, I let the tear flow freely.

I had growing in age and character.

Happy tears are totally an acceptable thing!

One thing I had came to terms with is that since my sister had 3 kids, there was no reason for me to have my own.

Why would I?

With her three I can buy them cute clothes and take them fun places, but when they get upset I can return.

I had no interest in having kids.

My family knew this.

"Oh, just wait, you'll change your find."

OR

"You say that now."

But, I simply had no desire.

My relationship at the time was sticky.

I was stuck in a toxic relationship with someone I was not in love with simply I because I did not want him to fall into drugs.

I may have not be in love with him,but I cared for his well-being.

I knew I was his anchor, but I could not let myself sink for him.

We never talked about kids.

Now that I look back I know it's because I would want my son/daughter to have the best role models as parents; we could never be that.

One day I finally got the balls and I ended our relationship.

We have not seen each other or spoken since, but I wish him nothing but the best.

I started dating my fiance in October,2014.

Honestly, We started talking in August, but he wasn't my type at all...soooo it took a couple months for me to give him a chance.

From that moment I could since things being different.

Each time I watch him play with his little brother, I fill a smile dance across my face.

The way he loves my nieces just as much as I do leaves me amazed.

We talk about our future; something that as slim to non-exist in my previous relationship.

Now these talks range from predicting what is going to happen on the next Game of Thrones episode; to where we will retire and spend the rest of our lives.

One day while I was on Aunt Cake duty, something clicked.

The thought of having my own children wasn't so bad;at least with Rey.

I smiled at this though.

That small moment changed my whole outlook, and one day will change my whole life.

Our before having children checklist is as follows: getting married, me finishing grad school, looking for jobs in new locations, relocating, becoming financially stable in our new city, do some traveling/backpacking.

After this list is complete, we wouldn't mind putting in some extra work or overtime to pop a kid or two out.

I'm sure everyone has that idle timeline in their head once before though, we'll see how life plays out.

Although Rey and I talk about having children and how we'll be awesome parents--

EVEN THE THOUGHT OF BEING PREGNANT GIVES ME MORNING SICKNESS..

I can't wait to be a mother one day,but at the same time I can.

Something about it makes my anxiety skyrocket.

You're growing a human fucking being.

THERE IS NOW CLASS ON THIS ON THIS.

The thought that we will be responsible for how those little people grow up, how they talk, act,ect makes my heart rate raise more than 20 extra beats per minute.

So, I will continue to feed off the hugs and kisses from my friends babies.

I will continue to buy the best baby shower gifts

I will continue to be the best Aunt Cake.

Because even though I can't wait to be a mother one day, at the same time I can.

#children #anxiety #fear #love #selfcare #selfworth