Small.

Going up I was never really "small". I was small in the sense that I was a child, but society has claimed the word "small" for a much different meaning. I was large in the sense that I could never fit in Limited Too brand clothing. I was large in the sense that my sister, that is 6 years older than me, wore a smaller pant size than me. But, none of this really mattered to me in my younger years. My mother never talked down on help while I was growing up. I had no idea what self-hate was until I entered middle school.

It wasn't until middle school that I saw that girls in my grade were generally much smaller than me. I never really had harsh things said to me, but this is when I started thinking harsh things against myself. All the girls in my group of friends were thin, why wasn't I? What was I doing wrong? Why do I not look like them? What's wrong with me?

It wasn't until high school that my harsh thought about myself were being reinforced by my peers. I was discussing, fat, round, and a "pig". This was when I felt the lowest of lows. But, I did nothing....up until my senior year. On thanksgiving I weighted myself topping off over 230lbs+, I remember the feeling of worthlessness just sitting there on my grandmothers bathroom floor, bawling. How did I let myself get here? Why didn't I do something sooner? Why can't I just be smaller?

Fast forward to now, I know I will never be a size 0, and I am 110% okay with that. This did not happen overnight. A lot have happened between that night on that cold bathroom floor to today, but that's a story for a different day. You do not have to be "small" to be happy. You do not have to be "small" to be beautiful. But, you do need to love yourself for those things to shine. Self-love has never came from self-hate.

So, is being "small" worth all your happiness? Is being another size really the end of the world? Choice to work on yourself being YOU LOVE YOURSELF, not because you hate yourself.

xoxo,

Kat