Guilt.
Guilt; a cognitive and an emotional experience that occurs when a person believes that he or she has violated a moral standard and is responsible for that violation. People can feel guilty about something they actually did or didn't do.
Anxiety; a feeling of worry, nervousness, or unease, typically about an imminent event or something with an uncertain outcome.
Orthorexia Nervosa; an eating disorder characterized by an extreme or excessive preoccupation with avoiding foods perceived to be unhealthy.
Self-Love; regard for one's own well-being and happiness (chiefly considered as a desirable rather than narcissistic characteristic).
So, why am I telling you what these terms mean?
I recently went on vacation to South Dakota with my fiancé family. I never went on any sort of family vacation while growing up, so it goes to say that my level of excitement was the same as, or higher this 5 year old brother.
I have struggled with Orthorexia Nervosa for almost 1.5 years before I reached out for help. I began therapy in November of 2016; going twice a week. I gained a lot of from seeking out for help. Through therapy I learned that the food I eat does not define me. I learned that Those that love me, love me for the person I am- not the size of my jeans. Then it was my turn; I started to move past my fear of eating "Unhealthy" foods. But, even more-so I began to eat those "unhealthy" foods and not feel regret and guilt after.
Self-Love is a challenging task. It is an ongoing battle and work in progress. There are days I feel awful about myself, but I still look at myself and tell myself I love myself alittle bit more on those days. I may not believe it at that moment, but eventually I will.
So, this vacation; We ate out for every meal of the day besides breakfast. I told myself I was no longer that girl that would order just a salad everywhere; I stayed true to this- this made me very proud of myself. During the trip I ate ice cream, Chinese, Pizza, Indian food, burgers and more. But,I never overdid it, I never ate till I was sick. This was another milestone I was proud of. When I first started bringing back "unhealthy" foods I would have a cheat day where I ate so much food I was physically sick. So, even though I beat two milestones on this trip(not ordering just a salad, not eating till I was sick), I still felt guilt. I felt that I ruined all the process I had made in the gym in the past month. This instantly changed my mood. I went from the super excited first time vacationer to a anxiety shut-off mess. WHY?
Those memories that were made on that vacation will last a lifetime. Any weight I may or may not gain is temporary. If it IS that big of a deal I know I can work it off- NOT because I hate my body, but because I love it. Knowing this gives me my sense of peace again.
